your room smells of hookers.
And success
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
