She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
