Someone shit on the floor
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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