i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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