i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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