Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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