Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I checked into jail on foursquare
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
