OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
