i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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