Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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