On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.