Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
