I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
