You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
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