if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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