im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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