i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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