Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
