dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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