When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Randomize
