I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
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I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
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You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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