I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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