Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
