I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm bleeding and have questions
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
