Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
