u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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