You just made me feel so damn special
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
