she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
