don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
He felt like a one man threesome
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
