I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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