Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
