I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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