I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
