roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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