I wanna bring you to show and tell
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
