Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
