DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
