R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
