no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
