So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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