I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
