They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
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I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
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Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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