i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he was CRYING into my vagina
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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