Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
