I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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