i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
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He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
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Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.