She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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