Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
