so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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