Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
