mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
