I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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