I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
