Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
