Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
