Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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